One Step at a Time
by smeeto
Summary: This is set part way through ep 18 when Will and Alicia are left in the bar  before Tammy confronts her . None of the characters belong to me.It's basically a Will/Alicia story but there's Kalinda in there too
1. Chapter 1

this is set part way through ep 18 when Will and Alicia find themselves left sitting in a bar (before the confrontation with Tammy)

Frank Thomas walked away and left them alone at the table. They sat there for a moment in awkward silence.

"That went well" said Will sardonically.

"So what happens now?" Alicia fiddled with her glass, only too aware that they had not shared this close proximity for many months.

"We wait for his next move".

Alicia looked anxious, "I should get going" she said and made to get up but as she did so Will laid a hand on her arm..."we might as well stay and finish our drinks", another pause, "at least that way we haven't completely wasted our time travelling across town"

"I'm not sure" she said, "my kids..." her voice trailed off...

"Alicia, are we still friends?" "Of course", her reply was immediate and sincere. "Then spend a little time with me".

A few more minutes passed whilst they both contemplated how to proceed

"Are you OK?" they said in unison. And both smiled. They'd asked each other this question so many times since they'd met again but now neither knew how to answer.

Instead Alicia changed the subject, "So Tammy's back",

"Yes, apparently",

"So are you and she..."

he interrupted before she could complete the question "No".

"Why not?"

"She told me not to fall in love with her and then she went to London".

"So was it over before you and I..." she trailed off unable to find the words.

"There never was a me and Tammy...and actually was there ever really a you and me?"

"Yes, of course there was but I couldn't...there was too much...I was so conflicted..."

Will sensed her distress and interrupted, "it's OK, just tell me one thing, are you and Peter getting a divorce?"

"I don't know. The marriage is over, I don't love him anymore but it's so complicated, I need time to work out how to go forward..."

Suddenly Will saw red and couldn't prevent his outburst..."What does this man have to do for you to move on? He completely betrayed you, slept with hookers, tried to destroy me and my firm which would have left you without a job, what is to think about?"

"Actually it's even worse than that"

"What do you mean, what could be worse?

"The Grand jury, Wendy Scott Carr asked me if you and I had a sexual relationship"

A pregnant pause, "What did you say?"

"Will, I was under oath, I told the truth"

For a moment Will was lost for words, "If that had gone public, oh my God, your kids, did you tell them?"

"I was about to when Kalinda called and told me that the jury didn't indict"

"What were you going to say?"

"I honestly don't know, the truth I suppose"

"And how would that truth have looked?"

"Will please..."

"OK, but what happened in that court room? Why didn't they indict? What did you say?"

"I don't know, I was in such a panic. I left the stand before she finished questioning me, she threatened to hold me in contempt and I told her to arrest me. I was so angry, she was so out of order, in that moment I just had to get away."

"Good god, so it's just sitting there waiting for someone to leak it and you haven't told your kids? Are you so ashamed of you and me? Did it mean nothing?"

Alicia closed her eyes and let out a deep sigh "Please Will, try to understand. I wanted to be with you, loved being with you and it meant everything, especially when I first came to the firm and you were always there for me, it saved me but my kids needed me, my job took up so much of my time, my emotions were all over the place and...there's still Peter. Just...I know I have no right to ask this and I don't even know exactly what I'm asking but Will, please don't give up on me."

"I won't give up on you but you have to make some decisions. If I've realized one thing recently, it's that I need a life too, not just an empty apartment that can be invaded anytime by my well meaning but infuriating sisters, but a home with people in it, a family... so you have a choice to think about. Continue to sit on the fence, stay married to Peter, ignore "us", keep me out of your kids' lives, or reach out and trust me. Let me into your lives and see where it goes. We can take it slow as you like, one step at a time, it's up to you. You are everything to me but I need this to work both ways."

Alicia sat very still, trying to absorb the enormity of what Will had just said. All the words that until now had been left unspoken. Part of her was deeply moved but another nagging little voice in the back of her mind was annoyed that he was forcing her hand. She knew it was irrational, but she wasn't ready for this.

Suddenly she had to get away. She grabbed her coat and bag and pushed away from the table. She was about to leave when she caught a glimpse of Will's face. He had a haunted look in his eyes and she realized he thought she'd made her decision. Dropping her things again, she put her hands either side of face and kissed him as tenderly as she could, trying to convey through her actions all the emotions she couldn't put into words. "Will, you and my kids, you are everything. I just need a little time to work out how to go forward. To decide if I can have what my heart wants and do right by my family. You have been so patient, can you give me a little bit longer?"

And then there was that amazing, heart stopping smile that has always made her catch her breath, "Go home Alicia, and when you're ready, we'll talk..."

And with that Will got up and walked away.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Alicia sat in her office trying to concentrate on the file in front of her but her mind was in turmoil. So many conflicting emotions and so many things that previously seemed clear now muddied with doubt.

She thought about Tammy and the accusations she'd thrown at her. When she and Will had embraced their "exceptional moment", it genuinely hadn't crossed her mind that she might be hurting someone. But if she was truly honest, was it because she hadn't wanted to think about it? After all Will did say that Tammy wanted to talk to him but he hadn't met up with her because of the glove. And whilst Tammy was having her say she could see Kalinda and was reminded of how she had rebuffed the tentative offer of friendship with the proffered beer.

Kalinda. What to make of Kalinda. The woman she'd once considered her friend, with whom she'd shared laughs and confidences, who'd deceived her, slept with her husband and hadn't told her, even as their friendship grew, had said nothing and when she'd found out, that hurt was almost as deep as Peter's betrayal because she'd come to trust her when she thought she had no trust left.

And when she'd requisitioned the CCTV footage of the lift to try and get leverage into what she suspected her client might have been discussing on his way down, instead had seen Kalinda convulsed in tears, it had shocked her. She had seen the timeline and knew it was immediately after their confrontation in her office but she'd hardened her heart and told herself that Kalinda deserved her share of the pain.

Back then things were black or white, right or wrong, but now the boundaries seemed blurred with shades of grey. All the certainties of her adult life had dissolved and nothing was clear any more. She'd tried to make amends, said she'd like to find a way forwards, asked Kalinda for a commitment of honesty but, at the same time, was well aware that she was being hypocritical because she was in no way prepared to give the same in return.

And then there was Will. Every waking moment and in her dreams as well, there was Will. She already felt so awful about the hurt she knew she'd inflicted when she broke off whatever it was their "thing" had been. She knew she'd avoided engaging with him when he'd wanted to talk, when he'd tentatively suggested he meet her kids, when she'd dismissed the throw away "love you" comment, not asked again about that text she'd never received. Part of her desperately wanted to embrace all she thought he might be offering, especially since she'd heard those unforgettable words "you mean everything", but part of her still couldn't let go of the other life.

She was Alicia Florrick, Mrs State's Attorney. That's why she'd got the job over Cary, that's how her kids had got back into their old school, that's how she brought clients into the firm, that's how she got a raise and that's how she punched way above her weight as a mere third year associate, albeit on partner track. Most significantly, that's why Diane mentored her. And, for all his failings as a husband Peter was a good father, he loved his kids and they loved him.

So there it was...the choice...heart or head


	3. Chapter 3

The longer she avoided Will and the decision he'd asked her to make, the more conflicted she felt. She knew what her heart wanted but she was so afraid of all it implied. Could her kids accept that their parents' marriage was irrevocably over? Would they blame her? How to introduce them to Will? How seismic would the effect on Peter's ambitions be and should she care? How would it impact on her own career? Could Peter still hurt the firm?

These questions and many more churned round and round in her head. She would sit on the end of her bed and look at that notorious picture of Will as Chicago's 16th most eligible bachelor and contemplate with a degree of wonder that she, a woman over 40 with 2 teenage kids and a husband, was the one he wanted rather than any number of stunning youngers from whom he could take his pick. She missed him so much it hurt. These past 6 months had been so awkward, they'd been so distant with one another. She knew he was just a phone call away, longed to contact him, feel his arms around her but realised she had to work out what she wanted before she could go to him.

She really needed to talk it through and there was only one person she could trust so she picked up the phone and called Owen. Asked him to come over and when he arrived and they were happily ensconced with a glass of wine he was typically direct. "OK Sis so what's the emergency? This is about Will right?" "You are such a know it all, what makes you say that?"

"Because you admitted being in love with him before you hooked up with him and then you denied it. You got together and then you broke it off. You don't know which way to go so you need my imput. Am I right?"

"OK Mr Clever Cloggs. You're right, I do love him but nothing good can come of it. I'm married to Peter, his career depends on me and therefore so does my children's well being. Will they ever understand if I put my own feelings ahead of my family? Will they think that it means I love Will more than I love them? What the hell choice do I have?

Owen didn't hesitate in his response. Being gay, he'd always had to battle against what people regarded as "normal" and "acceptable", so as far as he was concerned being open with your loved ones was the only way to go. Owen was categorical in his belief that she had to be honest about where her heart lay, to herself, her children, her husband and, terrifyingly, the wider world.

Alicia sighed. This was why she loved her brother and why she found him so frustrating in equal measure. To him it was straight forward, you just had to go with the flow and everything would work out. But if she'd learnt one, excruciatingly painful lesson over the last few years it was that there was no such things as black and white. Her world that had once seemed so clearly laid out was now full of shades of grey.

"Sis, this really isn't as hard as you're making it. Do you love Peter?"

"As the father of my kids yes, but as my husband no, not any more"

"And does Will love you?"

She thought about all that had passed between them and the things that had hung in the air unclarified, "yes, I think maybe he does".

Owen rolled his eyes. "This is such a no brainer, what is holding you back?"

"What if Zach and Grace blame me for breaking up their family?"

"Zach will be fine, Grace may take a while to come round but I'll talk to her. They know that it was Peter who broke his vows not you and at the end of the day they'll both be off to college soon and they want you to be happy, trust them, they're good kids, they'll deal with it".

"I so want to believe you, I want to be with Will, if he'll have me after everything I've put him through, I just need to know I'm doing the right thing".

"OK, this is what you're going to do. You're going to ask Peter to come over, I'll take the kids and the 2 of you will talk things through, decide how you can support him as a future governor, because you think he'll do a good job, but you'll back him as the father of your children, not as his wife. Agree that you'll talk to the kids together, explain that this is what you both want and then you'll go to Will. You'll tell him that you love him and if he loves you, you'll find a way forward."

Alicia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Can I really do this?"

Owen reached over and gave his sister a big hug. "Absolutely, just take it one step at a time.


End file.
